Saturday, October 8, 2011

Things you end up doing when you get into hot yoga

1. Become a yoga bore. Tell everyone how good it is and how it really makes you feel better, calmer, more focussed... and how they should obviously take it up. And then tell them again. And again.

2. Get photographed in yoga poses in strange places. Obviously it is sensible to do "balancing stick" pose on an escalator on London Underground. Who wouldn't?

3. Realise that your poses are not as good as you thought they were. That photo of "balancing stick" on an escalator shows how low your leg is, and how bent your arms are.. Dear me, you look like a broken umbrella instead of T for Tomas. More effort needed!

4. Start drinking coconut water. Nearly flavourless, often tepid, and a little like drinking your own sweat. Yes, but in 2 minutes time your yoga brain disappears, breathing gets back to normal, and you start to feel human again.

5. Take out a mortgage for washing powder. Also expect the washing machine to wear out five times faster than the average.

6. Discover the idea that your body is "just working something out".  Most people call this pain, but you are now absolutely sure that if you just keep on working at it, the pain will go away and the problem part of your anatomy will then feel better and be far more flexible.

7. Drink lots. Urinate very little. Even consuming a litre of water (with or without electrolytes) just before bedtime will not result in needing a pee in the middle of the night. In fact, put a large bottle of water by the bed in case you feel thirsty in the night.
A really good pose. Just lower the heel by an inch, and move the weight forward a tad.

8. Whilst standing bent over with straight legs and with sweat running into your nose, ponder the true meaning of "The object of pulling is stretching". Who knows? Then wonder what a Japanese ham sandwich really looks like. Do the Japanese even have ham in their sandwiches? Perhaps their sandwiches are made from a single slice of bread folded over in the middle instead of the more traditional 2 slices...?

9. Stop using moisturiser.

10. Fail to see anything unusual in standing nearly naked, nearly shoulder to shoulder in a massively mirrored room with 71 other people, all of who are similarly semi naked and sweating profusely.

11. Smile wryly but inoffensively and sympathetically when a guy comes in wearing a T-shirt.

12. Wonder how it is possible to have "no knee", or an "exactly forehead".